No matter how far you get. No matter how you hard you try to get away, that loneliness follows. It’s still there.
You know, I fucking hate you. I would say “I hate that I like you” like some cliché line in a movie, but no. I just hate you.
Ever since I left Baltimore, all I can think about is you. Everything that I see reminds me of you. I keep passing cute couples on the street wishing that could be us. I keep wishing you were here with me to enjoy this. In fact, I wish you were lying here next to me as I write this post in my gigantic hotel room. Even though I’m with someone who cares about me so infinitely — I still manage to feel so lonely. I hate that you are indirectly ruining this trip for me, but is it so wrong that you’re the reason I want to come home so bad? Of course, I want to see my family. Of course, I want to see my friends. But I miss you so terribly.
I’m not very articulate tonight (or ever when it comes to you), but I just wanted to write this post. Albeit, you will never read it, I just want you to know that someone, somewhere, is thinking about you. This guy, right here, who wants nothing more than to leave Maryland and never look back — wants to come home. For you. That you are consuming 89% of my mind right now, and probably more.
Even though you may not be thinking of me, or missing me, that’s okay. I’ll miss you enough for the both of us.
Anonymous asked: I'm a guy, I like you for quite some time now.. Just I don't know
So then what’s the problem? I live by a philosophy. I never want to regret any of the decisions that I make and I refuse to base my life off of “what if”s. Which is why, even if I get hurt ultimately, that will be okay. I would rather put myself out there — and be hurt — than to never put myself out there at all.
I said all of that to say, what’s the worst thing that can happen? You claim to have liked me for a while so why keep waiting? Would you rather never have me know how you feel? If you know me, then the worst that can happen is that we continue being friends.
Anonymous asked: I like girls you like guys, I just don't know ...
Oh, you’re a girl? ;)
Anonymous asked: I secretly like you but I just don't know.. We know each other but I do not wish to tell you who I am
Why don’t you want to tell me who you are?
fksoclwoxlpsl. Gah. I really like you. But I don’t want to like you. Save me.
After last night, I’ve come to the revelation that I’m a little ashamed in myself. More than a little, really. A lot. I’m ashamed in how much of a whore I’ve been lately. To some extent, much longer than recently. I forget that: amidst all of the pain, heartache, quickies, brief relationships, and infatuation, there can be something deeper than that. That I haven’t completely lost my ability to genuinely feel something for a person. I’ve been doing a disservice not only to myself, but also those around me that I choose to engage in. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel vulnerable — because I always pride myself on being so strong. I don’t know how to “open up” to a person and, even less, to express appropriate concern and affection. Nothing that I’ve experienced this past year or so since you’ve been gone compares to what I felt last night when I was with you. I’m trying so hard (and successfully) detaching my feelings from our intimacy, but it’s certainly not easy.
This hand feels so empty without your’s locked between it. I don’t want to lay down because my pillow isn’t as comfortable as your chest. I regret ever allowing these lips to touch any pair that doesn’t belong to you. My head is spinning because, for once, I’m actually concerned about a person who isn’t myself or my family. I told you that I didn’t want to go to sleep last night and no statement is truer. I knew that, if I went to sleep, I would wake up in the morning and that everything would be over — and it is. Last night was just that. A night. Despite how many times I replay those moments in my head, or miss the feel of your touch, or long for the sound of your voice_ it was just a night. Nothing more. You made it abundantly clear that there is nothing between us and that there never was and I’m okay with that. I have to be okay with that because I have no other choice. I can’t become attached to you because it simply isn’t an option.
I thought that having an endless fountain of guys or girls at your disposal was admirable, desirable, and even enviable, but I was wrong. Nothing compares to those short breaths of passion when you’re with someone who actually /matters/. I can’t believe I was so naive to ever think I could fill the void so many others left with meaningless occurrences. I won’t dwell on you, but I will say, wholeheartedly, one day, I want someone like you. Excluding the whole unrequited nonsense~
I wrote this ten months ago. Almost a year. And I still feel the same exact way about you that I once did. I really thought that I had forgotten about you, and for a time, I was happy. Finally you’re opening up to me again — giving me another chance. Don’t worry, I won’t squander it. I won’t push you. I won’t force you. I always do that and, for once, I want to stop. I like you. A lot. Maybe, one day, I’ll even love you, but I don’t want to complicate us again. I lost you once and I refuse to do it again. I know I’ve said it before, but you’re worth too much to me. I’d rather swallow my feelings and become your confidant: your absolute best friend than to jeopardize us again. Thank you. This time, this year, I’m done with the games. I’m done with the “boy hopping.” I don’t want it anymore.
I want you. I want more now.
I’m happy with you. :)
I’ve been really slacking on these OOTD photos because of Instagram (commence shameless advertising).. so just expect a large update at once.
If you have one, follow me. :) @kikibummie
Anywho, I had a dinner date the other night and wore this!
Outfit of last night. I wasted a perfectly good outfit for nothing. Gawd.
That “date” was horrible.
I still do not feel pretty today. Even with my makeup and hair done. ._.
You know, when I was younger, I spent most of my life hating myself. Wondering if there was a “God” and constantly questioning why it was I couldn’t be “normal.” I never thought I would find a man who would love me — because I wasn’t even capable of loving myself. I just couldn’t comprehend why it was the way that I was. Why me, out of all people? Why couldn’t I just be heterosexual? Why couldn’t I just be “normal” like everyone else? I wanted to marry a beautiful woman one day, marry her, and have kids, too.
But then, as cliche as it may be, it got better. I met people who loved me for who I was and I mean all that I was. People who made me feel like I belonged. Like I had a purpose. People who told me, for once, it was alright to be myself. Through them I found my confidence, and through them I began to learn to love myself. I realized that we could spend all our lives wondering why we’re disliked, why we’re hated — and still never know the reason. We could spend our entire lives trying to be other people’s perception of “perfect.” We could spend our entire lives in bewilderment, questioning or blaming others for the way that we are. Or we could be who we are. Who we were meant to be. I eventually realized that being who I am isn’t as bad as I thought it was. Having people who love and support you makes more of an influence than you could ever imagine. To tell you that your love is just as real as everyone else’s. To tell you that you matter. Everyone is always baffled by my amount of confidence_ intimidated, even. Persistently asking how it was I reached the point of my life that I am at today, or even thinking I have no reason for being the way that I am.
To be honest, I’ve wasted
too much time hating myself. I’ve wasted too much time trying to be someone else rather than myself. I’ve wasted too much time thinking things that aren’t true and hoping for things that are never going to happen. I love who I am. I love the way I dress. I love the way I speak. I love the way I look. I love me. Because, if you don’t, who else will? I only have one body. I only have one mind. I cannot ever be someone I am not. I refuse to waste anymore of my life on silly thoughts when I could just be happy being me. You may live in a community where you’re not accepted. You may belong to a household who doesn’t support you. You may even be in an area where you’re different. Unfortunate as it me be, we cannot choose our circumstances. We can only choose how we respond and react to them. You are unique. You are special. No one else can ever be you.
I may not know you, but I love you. Don’t ever let anyone take who you are away from you.
I hope you don’t mind, but I can be a little indecisive at times — but chances are I’ve already made my decision, I just need you to enforce it. I can be a little temperamental at times, too, but that’s just because I tend to deal with everything on my own. Even though I know I have a lot of people who love me and care about me, I just prefer to suffer in silence. I also hope you don’t mind, but my personality can be polar opposites. I’m really spontaneous when it comes to myself, but when it comes to my life I would like it to be as organized as possible. You may like me in a certain hairstyle, but don’t get too used to it. It’ll probably change in a month or so. I’m not static, I change. Often. I’m extremely hard-headed and will probably bump heads with you often. That’s just the type of guy that I am. I like wearing makeup and doing hair — it’s kind of my job. Oh yeah, I like unisexed clothing, too. My wardrobe is completely out of whack. I really wish I could just chose one style of clothing, but if you find something you like we can still share. On a good day my nails will have a clear coat of polish on them, as well. You see, I tend to be busy a lot. I need someone who can keep up with my lifestyle. I may not always respond to your text message as fast as you would like and I’ll probably never say exactly what you want — I’m so honest it’s almost a bad thing.
Truth be told, I’m pretty confident. I like myself. In fact, I’d even go far as to say I can be a tad conceited sometimes. I feel as if I’ve accomplished a lot and I won’t allow anyone to take that away from me, and I certainly feel as if I deserve it. Even though my family will always come first, I promise to make you feel special in my life. I know that you have to make it through the bad times to make it to the good, but once I decide you’re the one for me there’s really no convincing me otherwise; as I said, I’m stubborn like that. No one can promise things will be okay all the time, nor will they ever be perfect. However, I will assure you that I’ll try to remind you constantly why you fell in love with me to begin with. I’ll never stop working to better myself. I’ll send you cute videos to make you smile and probably leave you mean voice messages (of course they’ll be cute, too). That’s something else I forgot to mention_ my humor can be a little dry and harsh at times, but it’s all with love. I’m a rock, really. What you see is what you get. We can stay up late watching movies and eating ice cream. My favourite is mint chocolate chip. Or I’ll come visit you on your break from work with food.
I can’t promise I’ll remember all of the small things about you: like your favourite colour or even your birthday (I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you!), but I can promise you so much more. I promise that I’ll be your stable foundation always. Whether times are tough or not. I promise to shoulder all of your burdens with you and never work against you (unless you need some tough love). I’ll come home to you every night, maybe not with a smile on my face, but I’ll be there. Every night. Next to you. Holding you. I will make you feel important and loved. I’ll make you laugh all the time and smile when you are upset. Maybe one day you can even meet my crazy family. I’ll love you like my last because — hopefully — you will be.