You know, I fucking hate you. I would say “I hate that I like you” like some cliché line in a movie, but no. I just hate you.
Ever since I left Baltimore, all I can think about is you. Everything that I see reminds me of you. I keep passing cute couples on the street wishing that could be us. I keep wishing you were here with me to enjoy this. In fact, I wish you were lying here next to me as I write this post in my gigantic hotel room. Even though I’m with someone who cares about me so infinitely — I still manage to feel so lonely. I hate that you are indirectly ruining this trip for me, but is it so wrong that you’re the reason I want to come home so bad? Of course, I want to see my family. Of course, I want to see my friends. But I miss you so terribly.
I’m not very articulate tonight (or ever when it comes to you), but I just wanted to write this post. Albeit, you will never read it, I just want you to know that someone, somewhere, is thinking about you. This guy, right here, who wants nothing more than to leave Maryland and never look back — wants to come home. For you. That you are consuming 89% of my mind right now, and probably more.
Even though you may not be thinking of me, or missing me, that’s okay. I’ll miss you enough for the both of us.
After last night, I’ve come to the revelation that I’m a little ashamed in myself. More than a little, really. A lot. I’m ashamed in how much of a whore I’ve been lately. To some extent, much longer than recently. I forget that: amidst all of the pain, heartache, quickies, brief relationships, and infatuation, there can be something deeper than that. That I haven’t completely lost my ability to genuinely feel something for a person. I’ve been doing a disservice not only to myself, but also those around me that I choose to engage in. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel vulnerable — because I always pride myself on being so strong. I don’t know how to “open up” to a person and, even less, to express appropriate concern and affection. Nothing that I’ve experienced this past year or so since you’ve been gone compares to what I felt last night when I was with you. I’m trying so hard (and successfully) detaching my feelings from our intimacy, but it’s certainly not easy.
This hand feels so empty without your’s locked between it. I don’t want to lay down because my pillow isn’t as comfortable as your chest. I regret ever allowing these lips to touch any pair that doesn’t belong to you. My head is spinning because, for once, I’m actually concerned about a person who isn’t myself or my family. I told you that I didn’t want to go to sleep last night and no statement is truer. I knew that, if I went to sleep, I would wake up in the morning and that everything would be over — and it is. Last night was just that. A night. Despite how many times I replay those moments in my head, or miss the feel of your touch, or long for the sound of your voice_ it was just a night. Nothing more. You made it abundantly clear that there is nothing between us and that there never was and I’m okay with that. I have to be okay with that because I have no other choice. I can’t become attached to you because it simply isn’t an option.
I thought that having an endless fountain of guys or girls at your disposal was admirable, desirable, and even enviable, but I was wrong. Nothing compares to those short breaths of passion when you’re with someone who actually /matters/. I can’t believe I was so naive to ever think I could fill the void so many others left with meaningless occurrences. I won’t dwell on you, but I will say, wholeheartedly, one day, I want someone like you. Excluding the whole unrequited nonsense~
I wrote this ten months ago. Almost a year. And I still feel the same exact way about you that I once did. I really thought that I had forgotten about you, and for a time, I was happy. Finally you’re opening up to me again — giving me another chance. Don’t worry, I won’t squander it. I won’t push you. I won’t force you. I always do that and, for once, I want to stop. I like you. A lot. Maybe, one day, I’ll even love you, but I don’t want to complicate us again. I lost you once and I refuse to do it again. I know I’ve said it before, but you’re worth too much to me. I’d rather swallow my feelings and become your confidant: your absolute best friend than to jeopardize us again. Thank you. This time, this year, I’m done with the games. I’m done with the “boy hopping.” I don’t want it anymore. I want you. I want more now.
I’m happy with you. :)
You know, when I was younger, I spent most of my life hating myself. Wondering if there was a “God” and constantly questioning why it was I couldn’t be “normal.” I never thought I would find a man who would love me — because I wasn’t even capable of loving myself. I just couldn’t comprehend why it was the way that I was. Why me, out of all people? Why couldn’t I just be heterosexual? Why couldn’t I just be “normal” like everyone else? I wanted to marry a beautiful woman one day, marry her, and have kids, too.
But then, as cliche as it may be, it got better. I met people who loved me for who I was and I mean all that I was. People who made me feel like I belonged. Like I had a purpose. People who told me, for once, it was alright to be myself. Through them I found my confidence, and through them I began to learn to love myself. I realized that we could spend all our lives wondering why we’re disliked, why we’re hated — and still never know the reason. We could spend our entire lives trying to be other people’s perception of “perfect.” We could spend our entire lives in bewilderment, questioning or blaming others for the way that we are. Or we could be who we are. Who we were meant to be. I eventually realized that being who I am isn’t as bad as I thought it was. Having people who love and support you makes more of an influence than you could ever imagine. To tell you that your love is just as real as everyone else’s. To tell you that you matter. Everyone is always baffled by my amount of confidence_ intimidated, even. Persistently asking how it was I reached the point of my life that I am at today, or even thinking I have no reason for being the way that I am.
To be honest, I’ve wasted too much time hating myself. I’ve wasted too much time trying to be someone else rather than myself. I’ve wasted too much time thinking things that aren’t true and hoping for things that are never going to happen. I love who I am. I love the way I dress. I love the way I speak. I love the way I look. I love me. Because, if you don’t, who else will? I only have one body. I only have one mind. I cannot ever be someone I am not. I refuse to waste anymore of my life on silly thoughts when I could just be happy being me. You may live in a community where you’re not accepted. You may belong to a household who doesn’t support you. You may even be in an area where you’re different. Unfortunate as it me be, we cannot choose our circumstances. We can only choose how we respond and react to them. You are unique. You are special. No one else can ever be you.
I may not know you, but I love you. Don’t ever let anyone take who you are away from you.
I hope you don’t mind, but I can be a little indecisive at times — but chances are I’ve already made my decision, I just need you to enforce it. I can be a little temperamental at times, too, but that’s just because I tend to deal with everything on my own. Even though I know I have a lot of people who love me and care about me, I just prefer to suffer in silence. I also hope you don’t mind, but my personality can be polar opposites. I’m really spontaneous when it comes to myself, but when it comes to my life I would like it to be as organized as possible. You may like me in a certain hairstyle, but don’t get too used to it. It’ll probably change in a month or so. I’m not static, I change. Often. I’m extremely hard-headed and will probably bump heads with you often. That’s just the type of guy that I am. I like wearing makeup and doing hair — it’s kind of my job. Oh yeah, I like unisexed clothing, too. My wardrobe is completely out of whack. I really wish I could just chose one style of clothing, but if you find something you like we can still share. On a good day my nails will have a clear coat of polish on them, as well. You see, I tend to be busy a lot. I need someone who can keep up with my lifestyle. I may not always respond to your text message as fast as you would like and I’ll probably never say exactly what you want — I’m so honest it’s almost a bad thing.
Truth be told, I’m pretty confident. I like myself. In fact, I’d even go far as to say I can be a tad conceited sometimes. I feel as if I’ve accomplished a lot and I won’t allow anyone to take that away from me, and I certainly feel as if I deserve it. Even though my family will always come first, I promise to make you feel special in my life. I know that you have to make it through the bad times to make it to the good, but once I decide you’re the one for me there’s really no convincing me otherwise; as I said, I’m stubborn like that. No one can promise things will be okay all the time, nor will they ever be perfect. However, I will assure you that I’ll try to remind you constantly why you fell in love with me to begin with. I’ll never stop working to better myself. I’ll send you cute videos to make you smile and probably leave you mean voice messages (of course they’ll be cute, too). That’s something else I forgot to mention_ my humor can be a little dry and harsh at times, but it’s all with love. I’m a rock, really. What you see is what you get. We can stay up late watching movies and eating ice cream. My favourite is mint chocolate chip. Or I’ll come visit you on your break from work with food.
I can’t promise I’ll remember all of the small things about you: like your favourite colour or even your birthday (I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you!), but I can promise you so much more. I promise that I’ll be your stable foundation always. Whether times are tough or not. I promise to shoulder all of your burdens with you and never work against you (unless you need some tough love). I’ll come home to you every night, maybe not with a smile on my face, but I’ll be there. Every night. Next to you. Holding you. I will make you feel important and loved. I’ll make you laugh all the time and smile when you are upset. Maybe one day you can even meet my crazy family. I’ll love you like my last because — hopefully — you will be.
Since it’s 4am in the morning and I can’t sleep.. I guess I’ll take this time to update my Tumblr a little bit. It’s been too long, methinks.
A few days ago on my outfit of the day picture I predicted an upcoming rant. Said outfit can be referenced here. This was taken inside my local mall.
Well, this had to of been one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. When I first arrived to the mall and exited my car, I was passed by an old woman who stopped, looked back at me over her shoulder, and continued walking after saying “what the hell was that.” Quite obviously talking about me. That was a fantastic way to be greeted before I even entered the mall, right? Me being me, I decided to go through with it anyway. Amongst entering I was greeted with the same amount of ignorance. When I got inside all I was met with were gazes and whispered phrases of disrespect. Many people were not even trying to be quiet about the matter and said what it was they had to say within an earshot — purposefully doing so in order for me to hear. Nevertheless, I continued trying to shop. I tried my hardest not to acknowledge the overwhelmingly rude comments until I actually entered some of the stores and I realized it went to an event more outrageous level. People were actually refusing to help me. Walking into one store, the sales clerk actually called his co-worker over to him and said “yo, look at this guy.” To which they proceeded to laugh at me. I reluctantly pursued to browse the store and watched as they greeted and asked every other customer if they could be helped and walk directly past me. I tested this a few more times as I would enter various other stores_ all in which the same incident occurred. Eventually, I just decided to call it quits and I left the mall without even buying anything.
It is really pathetic that people feel the need to belittle others in order to make themselves feel better. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me and it most certainly will not be the last, but at least I can somewhat control the frequency since it’s based on a sort of dress I can alter. However, that should never be the case. No one should be made to feel as less of a person. I know that I can turn into some self-righteous preacher sometimes, but in all honesty — never be afraid to be yourself. I know it is not easy and I know it will be more difficult than not, but as long as we have people like us who can accomplish something so taboo as being yourself, then we will continue to make progress in the right direction.
I’m me. I’m who I am. I have to live with myself every day I wake up in the morning and every night I go to sleep. No one is in the position to judge another human being. Especially when we are all striving to achieve the same exact thing: acceptance. You don’t have to like me. All that I ask is that you treat every other person with the same amount of respect you would ask to be shown to someone important to you. That person who is the butt of your joke is someone — maybe not to you, but to someone.
Imagine if I were your brother. Your cousin. Your grandson. Your son. How would you feel? How would you feel if that were your best friend being scorned for a different taste in fashion. Imagine if it were you. It doesn’t feel good, does it? The sooner we begin seeing each other as people and not objects, the world will be a much better place. Unfortunately, we’re far from that and the only thing that keep many people going is hope.
I was really trying not to post about this, but the day after I graduated — December 5th — my Grandmom was diagnosed with lung cancer.
I swear, every time I make it three steps ahead, I get knocked five steps back.
I know that I don’t have the option to fail. I know that I’m so close to realizing my dream. I know that I have to be strong, not just for her but for my entire family. Nothing in my life comes easy and events like this constantly remind me of why I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am; and shall continue to do so. I may lose sight or take a brief detour, but I’ll never give up.
It’s time to stop sitting around and do something.
No matter what, I know that I will succeed in whatever I do. People always ask me how do I do what I do at such a young age, and even moreso how I stay so motivated. I am able to do it because I know how many people I have relying on me. I know because I can see the amount of potential I possess. Even though things are extremely confusing and discouraging right now, I will make it. I know where I want to be and I know that I will get there. Everyone believes in me, but more importantly I believe in myself.
Today was my last day. I have officially graduated from cosmetology school. I never thought this moment would come, but I am so happy it has. Thank you everyone who has supported me and encouraged me to get where I am today.
Expect greatness. And I mean that.
I love my best friends, my family, my entire support system. It’s messages like these, moments like these, that remind me why my determination level is so high. That remind me why I work so freaking hard to get to where I am trying to go. Thank you for always being there for me. All of you. I love you more than I could ever describe.
I’m done with this shit. I can’t be here when you need me and be fucking forgotten when you don’t. Do you know how frustrating this is? Do you know how pissed off you make me? I can’t just sit around and wait for you anymore.
If you want me, you know where the fuck to find me.
I was blatantly hit on and made advances toward by a girl today. For the first time.
One of the most awkward experiences of my life.
LOL. Yeah. It’s that night for me.
I do. Quite often.
